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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 21, 2013 1:34:55 GMT -5
The cool chamber was filled with cats going about their business. SpiritClan warriors and healers weaved around each other, chatting and laughing as they swapped stories about underground explorations and overground hunts in the meadows and woods. One cat stood off to the side, lying next to the warriors' den with his tail tucked into his side and his legs folded beneath him. He watched with a passive expression on his face. Sitting still as he was, his fur was beginning to take on the grayish tint of the stones around him. But he shook himself, and the usual pitch-black sheen returned to his fur, starting a few of the cats passing by him. His Gift was subtle at times, but it always made him feel like he was unimportant. Invisible. Just part of the scenery. StarClan had certainly been mocking him the day they gave him his ridiculous Gift. What good was it for anything? It only made him more despicable in his family's eyes.
Whiteraven's pale green eyes narrowed as he glanced around the chamber. His black tail flicked lazily as he thought about what he could do. A hunting patrol seemed... unnecessary. He'd already been on one, and the fresh-kill pile looked well stocked. Maybe he would take a walk or something. But somehow the tom did not feel motivated to move, to act. He didn't feel that it mattered what he did. As usual, he felt insignificant. And as he sat contemplating this his black fur began to fade again, fading into the background so that no one could see him clearly, no one could make out his form and recognize that he even existed.
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Post by flameh on Jan 21, 2013 20:16:35 GMT -5
Ashstar padded through the main gave. The she-cats yellow gaze flicked around the cave. She watched as her clan talked and told stories. She loved when her clan was happy and thriving. A pang of sadness stuck out of the wave of happiness though. She turned her gaze and noticed Whiteraven disappearing into the rocks. She decided to go see the tom. She padded over to where the tom had all but disappeared. "Good afternoon Whiteraven" she mewed.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 21, 2013 20:29:15 GMT -5
Whiteraven did not notice the approach of a certain cat until Ashstar stood beside him. Her voice startled the tom, and he jerked to attention, his body flaring back into life like a translucent bottle being filled in with ink. He squashed the feeling of surprise and nervousness that threatened to make him stutter like a pathetic kitten. In its place he filled himself with waves of anger and irritation. Those feelings came most easily, and they easily erased anything else he could possibly be feeling underneath. After a lifetime of suppressing his true feelings, he had become rather adept at it.
"Afternoon, Ashstar." Whiteraven's cool eyes glanced at his leader and then away quickly. He sat stiffly and flicked his tail over his paws, letting his irritation build up inside him. He knew that Ashstar could feel some of the emotions he felt, though the emotions she felt would certainly be weaker because of his Gift. But it was better that she thought him irritable and angry at life than what he really was. If she knew the truth, she would hate and mock him like his family always had. And he knew that was one thing he could not bear.
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Post by flameh on Jan 21, 2013 20:35:39 GMT -5
Ashstar felt the change of the emotions rolling off the tom. He went from being sad to being angry and irritated. She wondered what was going on with the tom. He had never been very sociable, and she never understood why. He was one of the best warriors she had in the clan. "How are you feeling?" she asked, curious as to how he would reply.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 21, 2013 20:40:24 GMT -5
Whiteraven tried to think of how his father would expect him to react to such a question. Feelings were weakness, Hornedears would always say. To suggest that he might be feeling poorly or whatever would suggest weakness. And that was the last thing Whiteraven wanted to be seen as. His irritation sparked up again, this time a bit genuine, actually.
"I'm feeling just fine, though I don't see what that has to do with you." His tone was not exactly aggressive or disrespectful, or was more or less skeptical and passive. That was Whiteraven's go-to voice for saying things that he didn't mean, most of the time. He understood that she was concerned for him, and in the deepest part of him, the part that even an Empath could not see, he withered to think that she might think him ungrateful for her kindness. But the bigger part of him, the part his father had beaten and cursed into him from a young age, was determined not to show the least bit of weakness. And that was what consumed his mind, his attention. In the end it squashed the little light inside, the truest part of Whiteraven, into a corner and left nothing else but emptiness and anger to be felt by the cat beside him.
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Post by flameh on Jan 21, 2013 22:27:52 GMT -5
Ashstar could feel the conflicting emotions rolling off the tom. They were giving her a headache. "You just seemed troubled is all" she mewed "I thought you might want someone to talk to." She really wanted to make him happier. She had felt something for them mysterious tom for quite some time.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 21, 2013 23:38:42 GMT -5
"Troubled," Whiteraven said, drawing the word out for a long time. He narrowed his eyes at Ashstar, well aware that the look seemed more hostile than he felt. He had a hard time keeping his emotions in check, covering himself with that churning aura of anger and frustration that had worked so well at keeping his true feelings at bay for so long. No cat knew the abuses he had put up with all his life, and he had no desire to tell any cat. They would have the same opinion of him as his parents, he was sure. If the cats who should have loved him because they were his flesh and blood didn't love the true cat that he was, why should anyone else?
"I'm just fine, as I said," Whiteraven murmured finally, though this time he had a hard time sounding convincing. "Just bored." He added this last part in the hopes that Ashstar might give him some task so that he wouldn't have to be near her anymore. It was always hard to be near her, because he had to constantly shove his emotions down his own throat and pack himself full of others he didn't really feel just to avoid her finding out the truth.
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Post by flameh on Jan 21, 2013 23:47:37 GMT -5
Ashstar nodded in understanding. She knew that something was seriously bothering the tom, but he wouldn't say what it was. The confusing mass of emotions coming off of him was making her feel overwhelmed. "Did you want to do some fishing with me?" Ashstar asked. She thought that distracting him might help him feel better, even for a little bit.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 0:06:38 GMT -5
Whiteraven's eyes widened in what could only be seen as a grimace.
"With you?" he asked, and his voice sounded none-too-pleased by the idea. Deep inside a tiny spark of light rejoiced at the idea of spending time with the she-cat. But the bigger voice, in the strict tone his father always used, kept telling him that he was worthless and that she would never love him and that he might as well fall into a river and drown since he was so useless and weak. "You're like a little she-kit, mewling and pathetic!" his father's voice hissed in his mind. Whiteraven felt remorse and anger boiling up inside him, real and potent, overwhelming all of the twisted emotions he felt inside. Why had his father done this to him? Why couldn't he have just accepted him for what he was instead of what Hornedears had always insisted he be? He had repressed himself for so long, but what came of it in the end? Nothing. A bit fat nothing. Whiteraven had no one, had no one's love. Not his Clan's. Not his father's. Not the love of the she-cat he stood next to, which was the love he craved most of all. A familiar ache pulled at his heart, threatening to tear it into pieces. He tried to fight off the emotions, but they were strong, and he sighed weakly, knowing it was no use to fight them. Ashstar would not understand this melancholy anyways. She would not know its source. So he had nothing to fear in submitting to the despair that was his father's legacy on his life.
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 0:15:50 GMT -5
Ashstar wasn't sure what to do with the toms reply. She was really hoping he would agree to spend time with her. She wanted to show him that she cared about him, he deserved it. Her heart clenched when overwhelming feelings of melancholy and despair descended over her. "Yeah, if you wanted" she replied.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 0:31:10 GMT -5
Glancing at his leader, Whiteraven shook his head and said nothing. His melancholy ate away at him like water slowly eroding rocks, his whiskers drooping and his energy waning. All of these emotions were making it hard to think, hard to feel anything at all anymore. But he figured that it would shame his father to act this way around the Clan leader. Especially when she could sense the feeling inside of him. So Whiteraven mustered up what little energy he had left to boil anger inside again. It was always the easiest emotion to create. His father had made sure of that.
"If the Clan needs to be fed, I will feed them." He stood and shook out his glossy black fur, which had no scent to it. Many cats considered him odd for his Gift. He thought of it more like a curse. Cursed to live an invisible life. A ghost who hid behind the face his father beat into him.
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 0:37:51 GMT -5
Ashstar felt anger wash over her again. His emotions were all over the place and it was odd. It felt like he was forcing himself to feel all these different things, like a mask. She wished that she knew how to make him show how he was feeling, it would make it easier to help him. "Theres plenty of prey" she mewed "I was just wondering if you wanted to fish, you don't need to."
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 0:49:06 GMT -5
Whiteraven fought off the ache inside of him, the longing to just say yes and do something he had wanted to do for so long. But being around Ashstar was difficult for him. Spending time with her was time he spent churning up emotions inside of him like he was sloshing about in a once-clear stream, muddying it up with each step of his paws. It was too confusing and too hurtful. He could not pretend around her, of all cats, for long. He could not hide the cat he really was, and the moment she saw that cat she would hate him. She probably hated him now, but at least he could tell himself that it was not him, but the cat his father had forced him to become that she hated. If she learned about the real Whiteraven, and she rejected him as every cat he had ever wanted to love and wanted love from had, then there would be nothing left. No excuses. No hope. Just loneliness and despair.
"If there's no need for prey I wonder why you would bother," Whiteraven meowed, forcing his voice to sound matter-of-fact. "Let alone fish with me." This last sentence he hadn't planned on, and a flood of self-loathing followed it. Fool! he thought. Stop being such a weakling! Stop showing your insecurities before she learns what a pathetic excuse for a heap of bat-dung you are!
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 0:54:07 GMT -5
Ashstar felt bad for Whiteraven. She remembered him when he was an apprentice, he was such a different cat. She had always wondered what happened between then and now. He was almost a completely different cat, but she didn't believe the old him was completely gone. "I just thought it might be nice to spend some time together and talk" she mewed "I don't get to talk with you much."
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 0:59:19 GMT -5
Whiteraven's feelings sort of drained out of him. He had a hard time dredging up the usual combination of emotions, so he settled on general apathy. It was a hard one to maintain, but it was all he had to stave off the feelings that he had for Ashstar. Those crept beneath the surface, igniting the part of him that was still him and threatening to usurp their rightful place. But the dark emotions, the insecurities, the anger, the fear overpowered them. Still, they were there. Just under the surface. And Whiteraven feared that Ashstar, if she were careful, might be able to sense those emotions, however muffled and jumbled they were. Would she believe that he loved her? Every cat thought that he loved no one, that he was mean and angry all the time. Would they even expect him to be capable of the feelings that he was trying to hide away?
"No cats talk to me much, so don't feel like you're getting special treatment or something," Whiteraven meowed, trying to use his father's harsher tone. But it fell flat. As it always did. He had the hardest time sounding convincing when he tried to become the cat he least wanted to be.
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 1:04:07 GMT -5
Ashstar smiled a little at Whiteraven's comment. "I'm not trying to get any special treatment" she mewed "I just really wanted to spend time with you." She felt her cheeks flush with heat. Way to be subtle mousebrain she thought to herself.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 1:15:06 GMT -5
Shock stopped Whiteraven from responding. He stared at Ashstar, wondering if he had heard the intonation of her voice right. Is she... does she... like me? he thought disbelievingly. How could she? He didn't even like himself. His parents hadn't even liked him. Why would the Clan leader, the beautiful, intelligent, caring Ashstar, love him? It made no sense. His confusion melted away the rough exterior, drowned out the voice of his father, leaving only the small part of himself that remained. The small voice, the tiny emotions of Whiteraven. Freed from their prisons, the emotions he had been repressing for so long surged to the surface, exploring the depths of his soul for the first time in moons. But doubt crept back in, its black stain quickly sending the feelings of hope and love into their cells again. His face, which had cracked from its normal irritated expression into an expression of broken vulnerability, resumed its stiff indifference and he took a step back.
"Why would you want to do that?" he asked in a low voice. He had forgotten for a moment her powers. That she probably already knew what he really wanted to ask. Could you really love me the way I love you?
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 14:20:04 GMT -5
Ashstar felt the change of Whiteraven's emotions when she spoke. The dark feelings were replaced by ones of hope and love. She felt herself smiling in response to the feelings. She knew that deep down he wasn't the angry cat he pretended to be. "Because I like spending time with you" she mewed.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 15:54:50 GMT -5
The doubt in Whiteraven's heart softened into a hopeful sort of doubt. Maybe he could be right. Maybe she could love him. But then... if she did, did that mean she loved him, or the other-him that his father had created? The tom frowned slightly at this trail of thought. It certainly was confusing, and he figured it was not the time to begin confounding himself. Whiteraven looked at Ashstar steadily. He sensed nothing but sincerity from her, and of course he had observed her often enough to know that she held no ill will towards any cat. Perhaps, for a time, he could let himself hope. He could see where this path would lead him. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
"Okay..." he said slowly, his expression guarded. "Fishing sounds... nice. Then." His words were awkward, but he felt awkward, so it was only natural.
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 16:10:23 GMT -5
Ashstar smiled brightly at Whiteraven's response. She was happy that the tom had taken her up on her invitatiton. She was hoping fishing with him would rid him of the confusion that was now surrounding him. "Great" she mewed. "Shall we go?" she asked.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 16:14:22 GMT -5
Whiteraven nodded, not really knowing what else to say. He watched Ashstar closely with his pale green eyes, his expression still hesitant. He rarely went about with any cat, let alone the Clan leader, and the prospect was... daunting at best. Perplexity still ate away at him, all those questions still gnawing at his brain. He wished he could figure Ashstar out. Maybe if he had her abilities he wouldn't be so confused. But if he had been given a useful Star Gift he probably wouldn't be in this position in the first place. His father would have recognized him. He would have been happy. Or maybe not. What ifs were about as helpful to him as getting a douse of cold stream water during leafbare would be.
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Post by flameh on Jan 22, 2013 16:34:51 GMT -5
Ashstar took a deep breath and centered herself. She drew her focus away from her abilities for now. She needed some breathing room from the strong emotions coming off of Whiteraven. "Lets go then" she mewed, beginning to pad towards the tunnels.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Jan 22, 2013 16:40:08 GMT -5
Whiteraven nodded and followed Ashstar towards the tunnels. As he moved his pelt sometimes flickered with the colors around him, making him blend in with the stones. When he concentrated, he could make himself almost entirely invisible, save for the flash of his eyes. StarClan had truly given him a fitting Gift, he often thought dryly. Invisibility seemed to suit him. Even if all he had ever wanted was to stand out and earn his father's praise. Whiteraven glanced at Ashstar.
"Are your parents still alive?" he asked suddenly, very curious. Few cats asked much about his own parents. Lots of cats knew about Hornedears, though actually not many associated him with Whiteraven since the tom had always been so cold to him.
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Post by flameh on Sept 14, 2013 19:17:04 GMT -5
Ashstar paused at the question. No one ad ever really asked abut her past or life before. She shrugged in response. "I'm not sure" she mewed "I haven;t seen them since I left the tribe"
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Sept 14, 2013 19:21:19 GMT -5
Whiteraven wondered what it must have been like to grow up without one's parents around all the time. He had never worried much about the decision to join a Clan; his father had impressed upon him at an early age the superiority of SpiritClan to all others and had demanded he choose to follow his parents when the time came. Whiteraven probably would have liked to grow up without them. He wished he would have escaped his father's shadow back when he was a young cat who still possessed a sense of hope in the world. But he had made what at the time had seemed the only choice. And now he couldn't say if it was the right one or not.
"What Clan did they come from?" Whiteraven asked. He wasn't usually so inquisitive about his Clanmates' past; but Ashstar was different. Special. He wanted to know things about her, where she came from. He just hoped she didn't think he was prying or anything. Some cats would rather not reflect on their time as "non-entities," as Clanless kits trying to decide what direction their lives would lead.
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Post by flameh on Sept 14, 2013 19:24:01 GMT -5
Ashstar turned to face him and grinned. She wasn't used to cats being interested in her past. "They weren't from a clan, they were Tribe cats" she mewed.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Sept 14, 2013 19:26:17 GMT -5
Whiteraven's eyes widened a little. It was unusual for the offspring of Tribe cats to leave the Whispering Hill.
"Why did you choose to come to SpiritClan?" he inquired. It was probably a logical choice of Clan if her parents had been Tribe cats; SpiritClan was the most well connected Clan to the Tribe because they were cats of deep faith and reflection. Usually. Whiteraven wished his father had been more like that. As it was Hornedears probably would have suited DuneClan better with his violent temper.
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Post by flameh on Sept 14, 2013 19:31:39 GMT -5
Ashstar shrugged. "The stories were always my favourite" she mewed "I wanted to know what it was like to live in the cave and the darkness." She had hoped that her brothers would've joined her but they each chose other paths.
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Post by Phantom Shadow on Sept 14, 2013 21:53:42 GMT -5
Whiteraven nodded. That seemed a good enough reason. He thought about all the stories he had heard as a young kit. His father had tried to keep him away from elders and other cats who could tell him about the other Clans; but sometimes Whiteraven could sneak away and hear about the mighty warriors of DuneClan or the more noble AspenClan cats. He wondered what those other places were really like.
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Post by flameh on Sept 15, 2013 9:05:41 GMT -5
Ashstar smiled. "How about you?" she asked "why did you choose here?" She didn't really know much about the tom or about where he came from.
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